just tell him i said nine months
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
