last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
