Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
