My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
