Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
