theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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