you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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