My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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