when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
