i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
