I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
