Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize