Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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