Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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