you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
