I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize