i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
