All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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