Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
