Plan B is the new Plan A
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
