so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
