i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
