So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
