just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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