After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
