Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
