my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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