I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
