My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize