oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's always time for handjobs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
