Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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