FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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