i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize