Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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