I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we're so committed to being not committed
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
