The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize