my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
