Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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