i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Someone shit on the floor
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
