I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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