Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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