his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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