dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
