And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
