Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
