I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
