You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
