I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
