Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
