quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
