recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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