I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like death gave me a hand job
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
