watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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