I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
