I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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