How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize