Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize