Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
