And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize