they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
