I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Say something about gay babies.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
