so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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