you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
